Trying. So. Hard.

I spend more time wishing I wasn’t fucked up than I do trying to do something about it most days. Those days aren’t my finest hours.

I’ve recently started a CBT journey, and had been doing pretty well for a little bit. Hours sometimes were going by and I wouldn’t actively obsess over how I felt like I was failing at everything. There were even a couple whole days that I actually felt happy.

However, when I lack the motivation to keep powering forward, I don’t pause where I am at, saving my progress. I throw the whole fucking thing out the window and convince myself I have failed. Again. It’s not only counter productive, it’s damaging.

My partner used the most apt metaphor yesterday after I broke down in the middle of the day. It’s like I am pushing this giant boulder up a hill, that represents my struggle. When something scares me or hurts my feelings, I don’t just stop and rest. I get the fuck outta the way and let the boulder roll all the way back down. Every. Single. Time. Making it harder and harder to start the trip up again. So hard, in fact, that I struggle to even get it started.

I read that children who grew up learning that love was conditional, struggle with any type of failure. This is pretty accurate for me. I feel like every time I slip up, even in my own head, I am disappointing the only person I want to impress. It is a lot of pressure. Unnecessary pressure. Also, it is pressure on him that he’s not even aware of! Pretty unfair.

I really want to like me. Happy people like themselves. At least for the most part. I have no delusions of a perfect life, or even perfect mental health, but fuck, it would be so nice to not fight with myself everyday. It’s painfully exhausting.

I want to enjoy my life. I want to revel in my children’s youth. I want to wrap myself up in the passionate, sexy relationship that I know I am so damn lucky to have. I want to lose myself in my art like I used to be able to do, sometimes. I want to have friends to love and support.

I know, logically, the solution is to just fucking do it. My brain resists for some reason. I am trying to re-train it. I just long for instant gratification. I know what I have to do, I’m just struggling to do it.

I am trying to find a therapist in our area, even made a phone call yesterday. I didn’t hear back, but I am determined to not use that as an excuse or a road block.

Sounds like progress?

Today, I am getting back in gear. I am going to do some work in the workbooks and get the hell outta my head for awhile.

Wish me luck.

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